I have four super social kids. For the most part I like their friends. They are good kids, from nice families. But every so often one of the following characters pops up. Usually as my kids new BEST FRIEND. The one that they want to have a double sleepover with and rush right out with to get matching tattoos wardrobes and hairstyles.
Do you know these kids? Or…. Is your kid one of them?!
1. The Spoiled Brat: He or she gets what they want. At the age of 5″Bratty” will call out from your powder room in order to request that you wipe their butt, putting you in that awkward position of having to either send them home with skidmarks, or an awesome story about a grown up (you) getting up close and personal. I’d go with the skidmarks. Less chance that could lead to criminal prosecution. It doesn’t get much better as Bratty ages. When you take Bratty out to dinner with your family, Bratty orders lobster off the adult menu. Your kid, grasping the op to explore such luxe horizons, follows suit. Bratty has a better cell phone than you, a better computer than you, and by the time Bratty graduates from high school, a nicer car than you. Try not to be jealous. Your kid already is.
2. The Sneak: Your kid has always been a rule follower. They don’t even cheat on snacks. But suddenly, inexplicably, someone is eating your stash of Belgian chocolate truffles and it isn’t the dog. It was all “Sneaky’s” idea… Sneaky wants your kid to go to the mall without a chaperone, just “tell your mom my mom will be there”. Sneaky introduces your kid to the art of the ding dong ditch and prank calling as well. Cross your fingers that Sneaky isn’t a klepto when you take him/her to the mall with you and your kid. All in all, Sneaky has a lot of secrets and is great fun to whisper and plot with. Until mommy finds the trail of candy wrappers. Sneaky has a tell. She/he either refuses to make eye contact and conversation with you, or makes way too much eye contact and conversation, in the manner of true con artist.
3. The Sponge: Have you ever considered adding another child to your family? Then “Spongey” is your dream come true. Spongey always comes hungry and and short a few school supplies. Spongey needs a ride and a sweatshirt. Spongey is happy with your hand me downs and leftovers. He has no problem rifling through your fridge and eating your imported cheese. She’s down with liberally helping herself to your expensive shampoo and four towels when she showers in your master bath. Don’t be too fast to judge his/her parents, they may have no clue. It’s just that you have better cereal and cute erasers at your house. Plus your shampoo smells so great. Best way to ditch Spongey is to arrange for a three way playdate with Bratty and jet early.
4. The Precocious One: It’s not because “Precosh” got boobs at 10. She couldn’t help that. It’s because she tissue faked them out to DD’s at 8 and made fun of your daughter’s training/jog bra in fourth grade. If it’s a boy he’s got four older brothers who watch porn and smoke pot regularly in his presence, so he knows stuff. All kinds of stuff. Precosh tells your kid there is no Santa and outs you as the Tooth Fairy. Precosh is the thief of youth, wrapped up in a child shaped wrapper. I’m not even entirely sure that this kid is a kid. If you want to know how to roll a joint, mix a kamikaze or whip up a fake ID, Precosh is your pal. Just keep Precosh away from your children!
5. The Body Snatcher: This one’s the weirdest. Totally twilight zone. Let’s call him/her Al, as in “Alien”. Al is the most normal, well balanced kid you’ve ever met. You will meet and LOVE Al. You will think, “Yay! We finally have a keeper!” You’ll have fantasies of watching The Bad News Bears and eating popcorn with your kid and her new BFF Al. You’ll plan ice cream outings and sleepovers, and maybe include Al in your family weekend down the shore. It’s like a dream come true. Until your kid opens her mouth and says something horrible, bitchy and completely out of character to poor Al and you realize she’s been body snatched. Your normally calm son will act like a hyperactive clown college reject in the presence of Al. There is no logical explanation for why this happens other than that Al is from another planet and has somehow replaced your kid with a monstrous imposter. Try not to run yourself ragged checking for tentacles and searching for Al’s spaceship. Your (real) charming, funny and adorable kid needs you now.
Best wishes for a summer free of these five friends and full of genuine friendship and fun. For you and your kids.
If it wasn’t true, I wouldn’t be laughing! Thanks for breaking it down for us! I will be sure to file these away so that I can recognize them in the future…too bad we don’t get to choose our Kira’s friends.
Love this! How about another friend called The Neighbor Kid That Won’t Go Home?
Let me just say that the glass on my back door needs to be cleaned today because Neighbor Kid wouldn’t leave my kid alone after he said he didn’t want to play. He got in the backyard, went to the back door, where he could see my kid at the computer and started licking the glass. Seriously. Super Stalker Neighbor Kid is getting on my last nerve.
And his sister might as well be called a hybrid of “Precosh” and “Sneaky”
Don’t worry, we are looking for houses now. 🙂
I love ditching ‘The Sponge’ on “Bratty’ . they can call it charity, right?
one of your best ever! xo
Licking the glass. Yep. That is priceless. I forgot about Super Stalker. And Preachy – the kid who tries to convert your kid. Uh oh.
LOL! Love the analogies.
This is awesome. It drives me crazy when my kiddos go for “The Spoiled Brat” kids.
oh yes, I have been channeling my mother’s reactions to my friends growing up while trying to ‘navigate’ my son’s choices – mostly good but sometimes I want to scream ‘warning, Will Robinson’
LOL! I think I may have met one or two of them….You are hilarious and spot on