In December 2007 I was 6 months pregnant. Miserable with the near full bed rest my doctor had ordered. Taking it easy is not easy for me.
I hated paying someone to help out with my older kids. Fortunately my husband’s contract had renewed for another six months. We’d have a steady income to cover these expenses.
It was the week before Christmas. Not for the first time, I wished my husband worked for a company that paid holiday bonuses. Maybe then I’d be able to afford the expensive crib and stroller I really wanted.
I wasn’t really supposed to go to my oldest daughter’s winter chorus performance, but I’d insisted. Guilt about being there for my daughter, battled with guilt about the pre term labor contractions I was trying to ignore.
My husband’s cell rang and he ducked out to the hallway. My daughter sang on. What was she singing? I can’t remember.
Everything had changed.
The company that he’d signed a contract with the day before was calling to tell him they’d folded.
Just like that. He was unemployed.
Two years of spotty under-employment were to follow. Our savings evaporated. Our credit card bills ballooned. It wasn’t just us. All around us homes were foreclosed. Several of our closest friends and neighbors were forced to move away. Somehow we clung to our home and our dreams. We weathered the storm.
I’m not exactly sure how we did it. But I’ve taken stock, and though I’m no Suze Orman, I’d love to share some of the things that have kept me going:
Victim or Survivor?
In the movie of my life, I like to see myself in the role of survivor, not victim. Bad things happen to survivors but they don’t give up hope and they don’t let it define them. Survivors find the escape hatch, locate the missing key, and against all odds, save the day.
Imagining what the “survivor” version of me would do, helped me find the stamina, optimism and resolve to power through some tough times. Electric bill due? Survivor me liberated some unloved purses on eBay. Kids need tutoring? Survivor me bartered social media consulting for help.
Swallow Your Pride and Offer Your Services
Asking for help is hard. No longer being able to pay private school tuition or membership dues is a bitter pill. But it’s a lot easier to ask for help when you offer your services at the same time.
Nobody wants to be seen as lazy or stupid or incapable. These stock assumptions are the worst fears of anyone who has ever been out of work. When you offer to volunteer at the same time you seek financial assistance, you put some of those shadowy suspicions to rest. Plus, you never know. The networking opportunities and chance to show off your skills and resourcefulness might lead to something.
What You Want vs What You Need
I developed an annoying habit while I was broke. When shopping I’d fill my cart with all the things I wanted. I let myself say “yes” and I took items for a spin. I’d walk around the store a few times with them and try and imagine them in my home, and in my life. Then I’d start to cull. Which ones did I really need, right now and not in the hypothetical someday? Which ones did I merely want? What was I willing to sacrifice for them if need be? What bill wouldn’t I pay this week or what item would I bother to sell on eBay or Craigslist in trade. When I got the cart whittled down to the stuff I thought I’d die without, I left the store. If I still wanted the stuff a day later, and I had the funds to pay, I went back to the store and bought it.
I learned two important things doing this exercise.
What you want is not often the same as what you need. But when you do need something, even something small like a veggie peeler, it’s usually better to buy the cute, fun, version of thing you want. You don’t want to buy something twice because you didn’t get the one you wanted the first time. And of course, buy the best you can afford.
Delaying gratification is a good way to keep your perspective. There were more times I didn’t go back to the store, than time I did go back.
Lose Excess Stuff to Save Your Sanity
During the time my husband was underemployed I purged. I had yard sales and went crazy on eBay, and Craigslist. I also gave a lot away. Tax credit!
Lightening the load didn’t actually earn us a ton of money but it helped in many psychological ways. It gave me a sense of control. I was doing something productive and proactive. I was less burdened by the responsibility of caring for, maintaining and storing (storage units are expensive) items that I wasn’t using. Taking stock was a great exercise, and gave me additional clarity about what I want, vs what I need. I quickly found that the more stuff I gave away and cleared out of my own way, the more creative and less stressed out I felt.
What Have You Got to Lose?
The last and best thing that both my husband and I did during this period of uncertainty was to “go for it.” Somehow, living so close to disaster gave us the courage to chase after our dreams with a renewed energy. If not now, when? Not being burdened with a job, routine and unquestioned life expectations gave us the freedom to try something new. We started a business that continues to grow. I worked with a partner to sell a TV show into development. I doubt that we would have done either of these things if we’d remained entirely within our comfort zone.
I know firsthand how hard it is to stay positive in the face of financial insecurity. It can be lonely and painful. Which is just one reason why I haven’t written about this before.
It will likely take us years to recover our savings and repair our credit from the damage that we sustained during that period. But I’m still grateful to have lived through it. I’m pretty sure we came out stronger.
SPONSORSHIP STATEMENT
Continue to Never Settle for Less by Filing online at www.hrblock.com or in an H&R Block Office.
DISCLOSURE: This post has been sponsored by H&R Block. I’m grateful for both the work (yes I’m still paying down bills!) and the inspiration to write about a difficult subject — one that I and so many of my friends and readers have struggled with. All opinions, as usual, are my own.
this is a fantastic post. Thank you so much for your candidness! I am saving this for the day when circumstances are not so ideal.
I feel for you, as I am all too familiar with this scenario. 4 months before I found out I was pregnant with Scarlett, Kyler took a massive paycut at his job. By the time I found out I was pregnant (I was 12 weeks!) our savings was nearly gone. It’s been so tough the last 3 years, and now my husband as you know has taken a job with crazy long hours and a long commute by train in the hopes of better income potential. All in the name of paying bills, building back some savings, and moving out of our current shoebox. Thank you for posting this. It’s comforting to know that we are not the only family that has been struggling big time while managing to put on a happy face.
I can relate to this on many levels. I see more and more that everyone has something, everyone has a struggle, or battle that they are fighting. In March, my hubs was laid off. A year prior to this, he had taken the Dave Ramsey FPU and we followed all the steps to get ourselves out of debt and start building up our 3 month emergency fund. The week before he was laid off we had deposited the final amount of that 3 month reserve. Thankfully, we were not in dire straights, but still had a lot to figure out. I love what you said about living close to disaster gave you courage to chase your dreams. We are chasing ours too.
I’ve been there too. My husband was laid off a few years ago, and my income really wasn’t enough. To top it off, I got pregnant about 3 months into that time. It was so rough thinking about how we’d handle another child with all the money problems we had then, although at least there were plenty of handmedowns from older siblings and cousins.
My husband finally got a good job after taking a not quite adequate one first. We had to move for the better job, but it has absolutely been worth it. I’ll be so glad when we get the credit cards paid down from that time, though.
I thought I was the only one who did that in the store …. My husband thinks I am crazy! I say I am saving us money 😉
This has happened to too many people I know and care about. So many people will be able to relate to your story about strength and perseverance.
Wonderful post Ciaran! I can so relate to this on so many levels. Thanks for sharing and for the great lessons!
GREAT post Ciaran – thank you for writing it – I have a friend to share it with and I think it will comfort her greatly xoxo
Thank you for writing such a difficult post. I really needed to read this today.
Agreed – great post. Very open and honest, very real for so many people. And I love the idea of purging all the excess, no matter the reason. It just feels like too much and I am sure I would feel differently about life if some of the Stuff were gone.
WOW I love this post so much. I think it’s more painful to discuss unemployment and financial strain than it is to discuss cancer. Because there’s always this underlying assumption that we did something wrong. It’s very shameful. Both my husband and I are writers by trade. We’ve had many good years, but the last few years have been lean. I’m not sure where we’ll be in five years, the future is uncertain. But if I hadn’t hit the skids in my screenwriting career I definitely wouldn’t have started my blog. It’s not bringing in any dough yet, but the creative rewards have been astronomical. Thanks so much for sharing your own financial struggle. Your insights have already inspired me. xo
I remember as it was around the same time we were still coming to grips with and strugggling after my husband lost his pension and company stock after his retirement (when employer manipulated a *bankruptcy* by undervaluing assets they were shielding in Mileage Plus Program). It was very stressful to give up our home, weather multiple serious health issues and all the changes necessary to keep afloat. I still do the shopping cart cruise – but I’m not as grateful or as gracious as you are about the experience. I really miss what was to be a safe, healthy and well-planned retirement – especially after 32 years of loyal service and multiple givebacks.
That was a wonderfully written article… we, my husband and I are currently going through the same things. i am not quite sure i have as good an atittude as you do, however ebay, craigslist and generally getting rid of stuff lightens the load. Our credit, well it seems to have taken its tole as well… I’m certain many have our same stories at this time. The state of our economy, i have friends and family members losing homes and behind on bills. I will share this article! Excellent positive spirit!!
Love this post! And what great tips. Especially the one about putting items in your cart and strolling around with them for a bit. I’m going to do that!
I do that. I fill my cart with all the things I want. Then I slowly, one by one take them out as we walk along the store. I allow myself to buy one or two things that I want and don’t need. It’s always something for the kids. A new shirt. A new movie. Or a new book. It helps me feel like not all of the money we have goes towards the things we “need” but the things we “want” as well. Thank you for sharing your story Ciaran. I’m hoping that I too, will not be money poor one day soon!
Ciaran…what an amazing post…I love the tips and I can’t even imagine how hard it must have been. I was on bedrest as well with both pregnancies and to have to worry about finances on top of that…it would have been more than I could bear….
Love reading your insights from this tough time, Ciaran! Thanks for sharing!
Isn’t it amazing how clearing your house can clear your mind? Thank you for sharing. Disaster stinks, but I love your survivor mindset. I’m coming across all of these uplifting posts and quotes all of the sudden, which is exactly what I needed!