You know who’s obese in your social circle. They wear their condition on the outside. Statistically speaking, you also know several people who have problems with alcohol. They are your friends and your family. But do you know who is an alcoholic? Would you judge them if they came to you for help?
A shocking percentage of Americans would rather lose a limb or a year of their life, than be obese. Would they rather lose a limb than be an alcoholic?
Or is admitting it the hard part?
A recent Redbook article title “Mommy is an Alcoholic” shared the struggles of several prominent bloggers who have confessed that they have a problem.
They’re not all getting along. The debate reminds me of similar ones about obesity and weight loss. A flashpoint for many women, myself included.
People who drink regularly or on occasion do not wish to be judged. I get it. I don’t want to be judged when I have a glass of wine with dinner. I don’t want to be judged by what I eat, either. Just because I have gelato one night, doesn’t mean I’m scarfing Oreos in the closet. I’d be offended if you jumped to that conclusion.
I am in no way qualified to tell anyone what is and what is not appropriate and what makes an alcoholic. There is no hard and fast line there. No specific quantity and no specific frequency. Some people are more at risk to begin with. Who knows? The alcoholic? I’d venture to guess they are often the last to get the memo. Friends, family and possibly even their doctor probably have a feeling before the alcoholic admits it.
I’m not here to diagnose. I’m calling it like I see it.
I see alcoholism and it’s sorry effects all around me in my “typical” suburban community. So I can’t help but wonder why it’s not more a part of the mainstream media. Why don’t we hear about alcoholism on the news like we hear about obesity?
Like obesity, alcoholism is also a contributing factor to a number of diseases. It’s a serious socioeconomic problem. Unlike obesity, alcohol is the direct cause of tens of thousands of accidental deaths every year. People rarely die from driving while fat.
According to Redbook, 1 in 4 kids have an alcoholic parent. 25%. I should be shocked, but I’m not.
Picture this: I go to the market at 7pm on a Tuesday. I cannot help but notice that a large percentage of shoppers are not there for food. 7+ bottles of wine and a sandwich in every other cart. I see a mom from my daughter’s class. She looks a little embarrassed. She says something about “stocking up” or that she’s expecting company this weekend. It might be true.
Or she might be hanging with the other moms. The moms on my block for example. Every summer I witness my neighbors drinking on their stoops, night after night, well past midnight. I’d estimate that they consume a bottle per person, on average. Sometimes less, often more. These gatherings are not only on a game night, or for a block party, mind you. It’s just because. Someone’s husband was out of town and someone’s kid was a beast. Someone is getting a divorce or turning 40. There’s always a reason if you need one. Are they all alcoholics? Certainly not. Are some of them? For certain. It’s not just my block. It’s most of the blocks in my community. These days that’s what moms DO.
If you don’t, you don’t fit in. I’m ok with that. Because while I’m ok with an occasional drink with friends, this group excuse to get wasted on a regular basis? It alarms me.
How many nights have I worried about their kids, riding bikes and dodging cars in the dark. “CARRRRR!!!!” they yell as the headlights sweep the street. I live on the corner. I can hear it from both sides. I can’t sleep till they’ve put themselves, and on a few sorry occasions their parents, to bed.
This is not just happening in my neighborhood. Friends from all over have told me the same thing happens where they live.
I don’t remember it happening when I was a child.
But we worried about alcoholism more and obesity less, back then. We studied cause and effect. Eat too much, get fat. Drink too much, get drunk. Drink too often, risk becoming an alcoholic.
I can’t help but make some connections here between behavior and results. Same as you would if you saw me eating a tub of gelato on my front porch, night after night. After observing this you’d think you knew something about why I was overweight. Cause and effect.
Alcoholism, of course, is not officially a problem unless/until the drinker decides it is a problem.
This provides a wide open-door invitation to the comfort of denial. It’s a table for one and it lacks a view. Friends and family might not be joining.
I wish it were simpler. I wish alcoholism was less destructive. I wish drinking your worries away was less of an adult trend than it seems to be at present. But these are tough times.
Most of all I wish it was less of a secret. Until there is a dialog, I suspect I’ll spend my summer nights dreading the screech of rubber on cement. Praying the driver has good reflexes and the kid is not too daring.
I agree that this definitely should be a topic covered in mainstream media more often. Alcoholism is a disease, and the stigma that surrounds it needs to be shot down. Thank you for mentioning me and linking back to me 🙂
Thank you, thank you, thank you for talking about it, especially in such a clear, leve-headed way. Alcoholism is a confounding, confusing topic, particularly as it relates to motherhood. The debates happening online about Moms and drinking are stuck in an ‘us v. them’ mode, and I’d love to see more open, honest communication – even debate, as long as it isn’t personal – on this topic. Some moms get defensive about their drinking, even without the debate of “is she an alcoholic or not?” .. because, I think, it’s one of those touchy subjects where women think their parenting is being judged. The more we talk openly – without judgment or an “I’m right and you’re wrong” stance – about the complex role drinking can play in Mom’s lives – socially, as a relief valve, or as a problem – the better off we will all be.
I do so appreciate your “us vs. them” comment Ellie. I think what bothers me so much about the reactions (to the perception of being judged) is the immediate call to action to create a climate of “you’re with us, or you’re against us”. You either have a problem or you don’t. If you find fault with anyone, you find fault with everyone. It’s easy to be touchy about this subject. I am similarly touchy to discussions about weight. I’ve felt unfairly judged and accused. That doesn’t change the fact that there is a real problem with the way we eat, as a nation. We all know there is a problem there. We should know there is a problem with the way we (the general population) drink as well. It is complex for sure. The only thing I am sure of is that there is no us vs them. The reality is that we are all affected in some way, large or small, no matter how much or how little we consume and what we think about drinking in general. Fracturing into factions of black/white, right/wrong, us/them, me/you won’t help one bit we wish to make any progress towards healing. It only invites the judgement we’re seeking to avoid.
What if you’re an obese alcoholic?
While they both have big health ramifications, socially there’s a big difference between alcoholism and obesity: being outwardly alcoholic is social acceptable, while the diagnosis is not. Conversely, being outwardly obese is always damning, even when there is no behavior to support the label. Alcoholism is a disease — obesity is an unmaskable taboo.
Like disasters, violence, or lascivious crimes, any kind of taboo-breaking is bread and butter for mainstream media. The talk about health stats is cover — mainstram outlets jump at the chance to run “fat cam” footage. Disease commentary just doesn’t make good mainstream news, as much as it should.
Personally, I try to avoid any media outlet that spends time on stuff it shouldn’t. (I guess that’s why I’m reading your blog — full of good stuff!)
While they both have big health ramifications, socially there’s a big difference between alcoholism and obesity: being outwardly alcoholic is social acceptable, while the diagnosis is not. Conversely, being outwardly obese is always damning, even when there is no behavior to support the label. Alcoholism is a disease — obesity is an unmaskable taboo.
Like disasters, violence, or lascivious crimes, any kind of taboo-breaking is bread and butter for mainstream media. The talk about health stats is cover — mainstram outlets jump at the chance to run “fat cam” footage. Disease commentary just doesn’t make good mainstream news, as much as it should.
Personally, I try to avoid any media outlet that spends time on stuff it shouldn’t. (I guess that’s why I’m reading your blog — full of good stuff!)
While they both have big health ramifications, socially there’s a big difference between alcoholism and obesity: being outwardly alcoholic is social acceptable, while the diagnosis is not. Conversely, being outwardly obese is always damning, even when there is no behavior to support the label. Alcoholism is a disease — obesity is an unmaskable taboo.
Like disasters, violence, or lascivious crimes, any kind of taboo-breaking is bread and butter for mainstream media. The talk about health stats is cover — mainstram outlets jump at the chance to run “fat cam” footage. Disease commentary just doesn’t make good mainstream news, as much as it should.
Personally, I try to avoid any media outlet that spends time on stuff it shouldn’t. (I guess that’s why I’m reading your blog — full of good stuff!)